Max

If I could begin to be, half of what you think of me, I could do about anything....I could even learn how to love like you.

x

Hunger, hunger is the purest sin
It is empty church in a crowded bin
I've wept and I've stumbled
I fought and I craved
For the gravy of your soul
But all I want to do now is walk along
Down barren trees in fields of snow

Let it be

Sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past, stop planning the future, stop figuring out precisely how we feel, stop deciding exactly what we want, and just see what happens.

I have the power to be happy

I dont know why, but i always end up focusing on all the bad things in my life. Ive kinda been known for my mood swing and anger issues...but im getting sick of it. I dont want to be known for my hate anymore. My amazing boyfriend has brought a light in my world that is showing me...that i dont have tonhateneveryone! Omg! What?! So..... There it is. It isnt exactly easy though.. I still see life as pointless. Which makes keeping my relationship very difficult... But in the end..i need to remember that its worth it. He treats me like a princess, yeah he may not fully understand me at times and he may frustrate me...but he loves me. He really does. I know that he does. I can work on things with him because he makes me so happy. Going a day without seeing him is almost torturous... Most of our problems could be solved if i could just calm down... But thats where he doesnt understand how near impossible that seems for me. I just need to remember that. I also need to get another job. I love my job but i am just not getting enough hours! If i had something to distract me more i think i wouldnt put so much importance on seeing my bf as much as possible. That will be tested this weekend when i have to work saturday and he doesn't.

"Friends"

What is the point? Joy? Having others in your life to care about? Well then i may need to redefine what i call friends. My friends fill my life with drama and sadness. The last time i was happy while with them was a long long time ago. Lately my "closest" friend, rebekah, has found herself in love with someone who barely likes her back... At least in public. I always feel so bad for her when i see them together..like shes the one working so hard to keep it looking like a ralationship.
Now, my boyfriend cant live without his friends! He literally needs them as if theyre a life source for him. This obviously confuses me, not only because i couldnt care less aboout my "friends" but also because his friends are all retarded and treat him like crap! They all have their own lives. They like him around because hes a wonderful and generous person. But they, for the most part, misuse him and i hate them for it.

Change

So things are changing.... a lot and I wish it was easier to let it happen. I know change can be good but all of it is scary. I went from dating my best friend and going to a local community college and working at kmart to breaking my best friends heart, dropping out, and getting fired. I am now dating someone who turned out to be the best person ever for me. Not working. And contemplating seriously about going to the paragon school for dog grooming which could be fun but it is all so intimidating. I am 20 years old and it is still so difficult to accept growing up. I have to make so many decisions that will pretty  much make up my entire future. This is all giving me a head ache.... which brings me to another horrible thing about growing up. I am on so much medication for migraines that I can't even keep track of which drugs is causing which symptoms. I am dizzy and nauseous almost always and my headaches haven't changed at all. Also, all of my friends are drifting apart which I honestly saw coming for a while now and I am ok with it. Its just how life usually works out! Its rare for people to stay friends when they have their own lives and problems to deal with. It isnt a bad thing either, its natural and shouldn't be too hard for us to deal with but as usual the Schoenborns are being overly dramatic. I am going to sleep now cuz this is straining my eyes and I would rather not wake up in the morning with a migraine.

JONAS CONCERT!!!